Ratburger Salad Read online

‘Is she crazy or what?’ said Jon when he’d finished reading.

  ‘You don’t know the half of it,’ said Tony.

  ‘You must have really upset her with that poo,’ said Al as he knocked on the door.

  ‘Yeah, well, what else are big sisters for?’

  ‘Well, they don’t have any other uses, do they?’ Al looked the door up and down, puzzled. ‘No reply.’

  ‘Try again.’

  He knocked again. They waited for an answer again. And there was no reply. Again.

  ‘She ain’t in,’ said Tony hastily. ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Hey, what’s with you?’ said Jon. ‘Are you scared of her or something?’

  ‘Me? Scared of my own sister? Yeah, right.’

  ‘Then why are you shaking?’

  ‘I’m cold.’

  ‘I’m not. What about you guys?’

  ‘Never mind all that,’ said Al. ‘Where is she? You said she’d be back by now.’

  ‘Maybe she got held up on the way,’ said Eddie.

  ‘By the neck, hopefully,’ said Tony.

  ‘I heard that!’

  They spun round. There was a figure climbing the stairs—female, long blonde hair, short black skirt. Tony gulped and took a step backwards. The others just gulped and looked.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ was the next question. Without waiting for an answer, she glared at her brother—hard. ‘Especially you!’ she added. ‘If you’ve come to apologise, you can forget it. I don’t ever want to see or speak to you again.’

  ‘Can I have that in writing?’

  ‘Why, you—!’

  She lunged forward, hand raised. But Al was quicker, stepping between them before words could escalate into full-scale war.

  ‘Tony’s only joking,’ he pleaded hastily. ‘He was just telling us how brilliant you was at sewing an’ stuff like that.’

  ‘Really,’ she said dryly. ‘I suppose he also told you he thinks I’m charming, witty, intelligent and beautiful.’

  ‘Well, not exactly in those words,’ said Al. ‘But he did say that as big sisters go, you’re okay—ain’t that right, Tony?’

  They all looked at him. He looked about ready to throw up but he nodded just the same.

  ‘Now why do I find all this hard to believe?’ she said. ‘There’s got to be a catch somewhere, just got to be.’

  ‘No, he did! Honest! That’s why he brought us here, said you’d be glad to show us how brilliant you are.’

  ‘Did he?’ she said even more doubtfully. ‘Well, if this is true then it’ll be a first, but I suppose miracles can happen, even to him. Okay, move it and come in.’

  She pushed past them and opened the door. They followed her inside. It was everything a big sister’s bedroom should be: small stereo in the corner; big poster of the current manufactured boy band on the wall; a crumpled, unmade bed; and make-up in front of the mirror, lots of make-up. She stopped in the middle of the room and turned to them, arms folded, like a teacher demanding to know why they hadn’t done their homework.

  ‘Okay,’ she said, ‘what do you want to see?’

  ‘Everything, really,’ said Al. ‘Tony says you’re good with a needle. How about that first?’

  ‘Okay,’ she said slowly, ‘but first, I want to know why. Why this sudden interest in sewing—and in particular, my sewing?’

  This was it. He wasn’t prepared for this so early on in the game but this was it. Al took a deep breath and said simply:

  ‘We want you to make us something.’

  For a moment, there was silence. Then she was speaking, slowly, like she didn’t believe what she’d just heard.

  ‘Make you something. Like what?’

  ‘Er—’ Too late to back out now. ‘—some toy rats.’

  ‘Some what?’

  ‘Toy rats,’ he said again. ‘We, er…we want to play a trick on someone.’

  Another silence. This time, she was looking at them suspiciously, like she didn’t like what she’d just heard.

  ‘This…someone,’ she said at length, ‘anyone I know?’

  ‘Maybe. Maybe not.’

  ‘I see. Well, since it’s such a big secret and since, despite what you say, I think you’re all up to no good, I think I can name my price for these “rats”.’

  ‘Price!’ said Al. This was something they hadn’t considered. ‘Er…like what?’

  ‘Well, it’s my birthday next week—’

  ‘Yeah, Tony told us.’

  ‘—so what I propose to do is give you a list of things I want and let you decide what you’re going to buy me.’

  Al felt his heart sink, felt everyone’s heart sink. Buy something! With what?

  ‘Couldn’t we just sing Happy Birthday?’ he said sheepishly.

  ‘Don’t tell me,’ she said. ‘No money—right?’

  ‘Well, it’s the thought that counts.’

  ‘Depends what the thought is worth. But you lot sing Happy Birthday? This I have got to hear.’

  ‘Okay,’ said Al. ‘Ready, guys?’

  They nodded uncertainly. They were as ready as they would ever be.

  ‘Right! Here goes:’

  ‘Happy birthday to you,

  It’s the right thing to do,

  Stick your finger in your ear’ole.

  Happy birthday to you.’

  They finished and waited for her to applaud. For some strange reason, she didn’t.

  ‘You horrible…beastly…boys!’ was all she said instead.

  ‘But it’s what we sing when one of the gang has a birthday,’ Al pleaded.

  ‘I am not one of your gang!’

  ‘Well, no, but—’

  ‘Are you always like this?’ she said, interrupting him. ‘I mean, can’t you say something nice even once in your miserable lives?’

  Could they? Al looked at her standing there, all blond hair and short skirt. She was very…well…okay for a girl, he supposed. But something nice? Worth a try.

  ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘I think you look a million pounds.’

  ‘Why, thank you, Alex!’ she said, surprised. ‘You can come again.’

  Then Tony was adding quietly, ‘A million pounds that’s just been spat out of a cash machine, that is.’

  ‘Why, you—’

  They ducked as a hairbrush flew over their heads to ricochet off the wall behind.

  ‘I should have known—’ CRASH! ‘—like you! You’re all the same—’ BANG! ‘—horrible—’ SHATTER! ‘—ghastly—’

  ‘I think we’d better got out of here!’ Tony yelled as a perfume bottle whistled past his ear.

  ‘I think you’re right!’ Al yelled back, and they were all suddenly bundling each other through the door and slamming it shut behind them.

  ‘Has she always been like this?’ said Al as they clattered down the stairs, the sounds of smashing and crashing receding with every step.

  ‘Not always,’ said Tony. ‘Me mum says she only started getting this way after I was born.’

  ‘That figures. But why’d you do that back there? I had her just about ready to give in and say yes.’

  ‘Habit, I guess. Sorry.’

  ‘Yeah, well, don’t worry about it. She’d probably have got them half-done and then demanded another birthday present or something to finish them.’

  ‘Probably. But now what are we gonna do?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Al. ‘Don’t worry, something’ll turn up.’

  And he was right. It did.

  FIVE